Alices cyber boyfriend

ALICE’S CYBER BOYFRIEND

SEPTEMBER WAS HERE.   SUMMER HAD COME TO AN END AND ALONG WITH IT ALL JOY, CARE FREE TIME AND CALMNESS. ALL TO BE REPLACED WITH ANXIETY, FEAR AND TENSION.

SEPTEMBER FOR ALICE WAS A VERY STRESSFUL TIME PERIOD DUE TO THE FACT THAT SEPTMBER MEANT THE BEGINNING OF SCHOOL, GOING BACK TO WORK, HAVING TO PLAN A BUSY SCHEDULE TO FIT INTO ONE DAY.

SEEMS EASY ENOUGH SHE THOUGHT, “I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE GOING THROUGH BUSY SCHEDULES, WORK, PREPARING MEALS, DOING HOMEWORK, DRIVING TO AFTER SCHOOL ACTIVITIES, BATHS, DINNER, BEDTIME, TUCKING IN.” AND ALL TO BE DONE IN EXACTLY THE SAME FASHION THE NEXT DAY, AND THE NEXT DAY AND THE NEXT DAY. UP AT 7 AM, DOWN AT WELL, HOPEFULLY 10 PM IF THE SCHEDULE ALLOWS.

ALICE IS A SINGLE MOTHER OF TWO CHILDREN, DIVORCED.  THE BEGINNING OF A NEW SCHOOL SEASON FOR HER IS HARD.  PANIC AND OVERWHELM ENSUES DURING THE MONTHS OF SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER UNTIL HER OWN AND HER CHILDRENS’ SCHEDULES ARE DOWN PACKED AND ORGANISED.

ASIDE FROM HER BUSY SCHEDULE ALICE OFTEN TRIES TO DISTRACT HERSELF WITH WAYS, WHICH MAKE IT EASIER FOR HER TO DEAL WITH DAILY STRESSES AND ANXIETIES. ALTHOUGH, SHE FEELS THAT SHE HAS A HEAVIER DOSE OF BOTH, COMPAIRED TO OTHERS.

OR DOES SHE? IT OFTEN FEELS THAT WAY ANYWAYS. SHE LIKES TO FLEE HER REALITY FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, FLEE THE DEMANDING PRESENCE OF HER CHILDREN, AND THE DEMANDS OF RESPONSIBILITY.  IT’S ALL JUST TOO MUCH.

“IF ONLY I COULD GET AWAY FROM IT ALL AND JUST QUIET MY MIND FOR ALITTLE.  IM DOING NO HARM, I DESERVE A LITTLE TIME ALONE ANYWAYS.” SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF.

DISTRATION AND DISASSOCIATION IS PARAMOUNT TO ALICE! IT’S HER WAY OF COPING. SHE’S DEVELOPED COPING MECHANISMS, WHICH ENABLE HER TO KEEP AFLOAT DAILY.

A LOVELY LITTLE BUNDLE OF DISTRACTIONS ALICE USES ARE SMOKING, EATING, BINGING ON SWEETS, SOCIAL MEDIA DISTRATION, NETFLIX BINGING, AND ELECTRONIC GAMES ON HER PHONE.

THERE WAS ONE OTHER DISTRACTION THAT ALICE THOROUGHLY ENJOYED. TALKING TO MEN ON SOCIAL MEDIA.  YOU SEE, SHE ALSO HAD A VIVID FANTASY LIFE. SHE WOULD LOVE TO LAY BACK, CLOSE HER EYES AND FANTASIZE ABOUT THE LIFE SHE WANTED, WHERE SHE WAS THE HEROIN, SHE HAD AN AMAZING LOVER WHO WOULD COME AND SWEAP HER OFF HER FEET.

IN HER FANTASY LIFE, ALICE WAS BEAUTIFUL, HAD A PERFECT BODY, A BODY THAT HE LOVED. FOR HIM, SHE WAS PERFECT. SHE COULD DO NO WRONG.  SHE WAS CONFIDENT, FEARLESS, SHAMELESS, SUCCESSFUL, HAPPY AND IN CONTROL OF HER LIFE.

EVERYTHING SHE FELT SHE WASN’T IN REALITY.  SO, SHE WOULD ESCAPE TO THIS FANTASY WORLD OF HERS ON A DAILY BASIS. SOMETIMES SHE NEEDED OTHER THINGS TO HELP HER IMAGINATION, PROMPT HER SO TO SPEAK.

THINGS LIKE, LISTENING TO MUSIC WHILE LYING IN BED, READING BOOKS, WATCHING ROMANTIC MOVIES.  SHE WAS A HOPELESS ROMANTIC.

SHE SOON CAME TO CRAVE THIS PASSTIME MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. SHE COULD HARDLY WAIT TILL SHE PUT HER KIDS TO BED, MAKE THEM QUIET, SO SHE COULD GO INTO HER FANTASY WORLD WHERE EVERYTHING WAS SO MUCH BETTER AND EASIER.

HERE IN REAL LIFE, EVERYTHING WAS BECOMING UNMANAGEABLE. SO UNMANAGEABLE THAT EVERYDAY FELT LIKE EITHER COMPLETE CHAOS OR UTTERLY REPETATIVE AND MUNDANE.

ALICE STARTED NEEDING MORE AND MORE PROMPTING FOR HER IMAGINATION TO FLURISH. OFTEN SHE WOULD SURF THE WEB ON SOCIALMEDIA AND ENGAGE IN CONVERSATIONS WITH VARIOUS MEN.  THESE MEN WOULD PROVIDE ALICE WITH MATERIAL FOR HER VIVID FANTASY LIFE.  THE CONVERSTIONS OFTEN REMAINED IN THE FORM OF TEXTING, WHICH SHE THOUGHT, MADE IT EASIER, SINCE SHE COULD HIDE HER TRUE IDENTITY BEHIND A SREEN WHERE NO ONE COULD SEE HER.

ITS IMPORTANT TO MENTION ONE ENCOUNTER IN PARTICULAR.

HIS NAME WAS IAN.  SHE HAD MET HIM ONLINE AND HE WAS YOUNGER THAN HER, SO MUCH DIFFERENT THAN HER, HIS LIFE SEEMED SO APPEALING TO HER UTTER BORING ONE.

HE TEXTED HER ONE DAY. “HEY BEAUTIFUL, HOW ARE YOU TODAY?” I COULDN’T WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU.”

YOU SEE THERE WAS A TIME DIFFERENCE SINCE HE LIVED IN A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE THAN HER. WHERE IT WAS NIGHT TIME FOR HER, HE WOULD BE JUST GETTING UP.

HER PHONE WOULD RING A SMALL BEEP, HER SCREEN WOULD LIGHT UP AND SO WOULD HER FACE!

“YAY!!!” SHE TOUGHT, “A TEXT MESSAGE FROM IAN, YOU SEE,” SHE THOUGHT AGAIN, “HE LIKES ME, HE CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT ME, THIS DEFINITELY MEANS SOMETHING.”

“HEY THERE IAN, HOW ARE YOU? IT’S SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU… I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU.”

“YOU HAVE? SAID IAN. WHAT ABOUT IN PARTICULAR?”

“OH THIS AND THAT.” SAID ALICE.

“COMMON ON,” SAID IAN, “PLEASE SHARE IT WITH ME, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, LIKE WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER A GUY LIKE ME FOR INSTINCE?”

“WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN IAN?” ASKED ALICE INNOCENTLY.  PLAYING IT AS IF SHE HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE MEANT. DEEP DOWN SHE WAS LOVING IT. THE ATTENTION HE GAVE HER, THE WAY HE MADE HER FEEL, DESIRABLE!

THE TEXTING, THE WAITING IN ANTICIPATION FOR HER PHONE SCREEN TO LIGHT UP AND AT LAST READING THE MESSAGE SHE’D BE WAITING FOR. THE WHOLE PROCESS BROUGHT HER EXCITEMENT AND SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO DURING HER DAY.

“I MEAN, ALICE, WOULD YOU EVER GO WITH A GUY LIKE ME? I MEAN YOU SEEM KIND, AND NICE. WOULD YOU PLEASE SEND ME A PICTURE OF YOU? PLEASE I DON’T MEAN TO BE RUDE OR ANYTHING, I JUST WANT TO SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE. PLEASE ALICE. PLEASE SEND ME A PICTURE. “

SHE TOOK A SELFIE OF HERSELF, AND CLICKED SEND. AFTER A FEW MINUTES, WHILE SHE NEVER TOOK HER EYES OFF HER SCREEN, HE REPLIED.

“IS THAT REALLY YOU ALICE? IS THAT YOU NOW?” WOW, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. NOW I KNOW THAT I REALLY HAVE NO CHANCE WITH YOU. YOU’RE SO OUT OF MY LEAGUE, IM SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN YOU. IT WOULD BE A REAL HONOR IF YOU WOULD LET ME TAKE YOU OUT FOR A COFFEE. “

“THANK YOU IAN, BUT THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE SINCE I LIVE ACROSS THE WORLD FROM YOU. BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW, I’LL BE VISITING AT CHRISTMAS. IF WE RE STILL ON TALKING TERMS TILL THEN AND WE HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW EACH OTHER ALITTLE MORE, MAYBE I’LL CONSIDER GOING TO COFFEE WITH YOU. “

“REALLY? OH THANK YOU, THAT’S GREAT. AND THEN MAYBE YOU CAN COME OVER AND SEE MY HOUSE AS WELL.  OK I HAVE TO GO BUT LETS CHAT LATER, I’LL TEXT YOU WHEN I’M FREE.”

ALICE WAS MELTING.  SHE WAS TURNED ON, TURNED UP,  LIT UP AND READY FOR ANYTHING. TO HELL WITH IT SHE THOUGHT. I’ll SEND HIM ANOTHER PICTURE. HE SEEMS GENUINE ENOUGH AND LIKE A REALLY NICE GUY SO FAR. PLUS, I’VE SEEN HIS PROFILE AND BOY IS HE HOT!

SHE SENDS HIM ANOTHER PICTURE, THIS TIME A BIT MORE REVEALNG OF HERSELF. SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE’S AFTER, ALTHOUGH SHE HATES TO ADMIT IT.   SHE WANTS TO GET A REACTION FROM HIM. SHOCK HIM, BUT MORE THAN THAT, SHE WANTS TO TURN HIM ON.

SHE SENDS A MORE REVEALING PICTURE OF HERSELF TO IAN AND EXPECTS AN INSTANT REPLY. AFTER ALL, SHE PUT WORK INTO FIXING HERSELF FOR HIM, AND MAKING SURE HE WOULD LIKE IT.

TIME PASSES, AND NOTHING. MORE TIME PASSES AND STILL NO REPLY.

ALICE REALISES THAT ITS TIME TO GET BACK TO HER REAL LIFE. “DAMN” SHE THINKS. “I ‘VE GOT TO GO TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS.”

AS SHE’S DOING HER THINGS, COOKING, CLEANING, WORKING, TAKING HER KIDS HERE AND THERE, GOING TO THE GYM, GETTING ON WITH HER DAILY LIFE, IN HER MIND SHE’S THINKING OF HIM ALL THE TIME.

WASHING THE DISHES, SHE THINKS OF HIM AND CHECKS HER PHONE. NOTHING.

PREPARING A LESSON PLAN FOR HER STUDENTS, SHE THINKS OF HIM AND CHECKS HER PHONE AGAIN, STILL NO MESSAGE.

TWO HOURS, THREE HOURS, 10 HOURS, 12 HOURS, A DAY, TWO DAYS THREE DAYS GO BY AND STILL NO MESSAGE.

A WEEK GOES BY AND STILL NO NEWS FROM IAN.

RIGHT, SHE THOUGHT. THAT’S ENOUGH, THAT ASS. HE’LL SEE NOW WHAT I’LL DO TO HIM.

FIRSTLY, SHE SENDS HIM A MESSAGE GIVING HIM A PIECE OF HER MIND. SECONDLY, SHE DECIDES TO IGNORE HIM BACK. SHE SENDS NOTHING AGAIN FOR A FEW DAYS.

MEANWHILE, INSIDE SHE’S GOING INSANE. WHATEVER SHES DOING, SHE’S THINKING OF HIM. FANTASIZING OF HIM. IMAGINING CONVERSATIONS, WHAT SHE’LL SAY TO HIM, HOW SHE’LL SAY IT. AT NIGHT, SHE DREAMS OF HIM.

SHE WAKES UP AND FIRST THING SHE DOES IS CHECK HER PHONE. GOES TO HIS PROFILE TO SEE WHEN HE’S LAST ONLINE.

“HES BEEN ONLINE 3 HOURS AGO DAMN, WHY THEN HASN’T HE TEXTED ME?!” SHE THINKS TO HERSELF.

“IS HE TALKING TO ANOTHER GIRL? THAT BASTARD. HE’S CHEATING ON ME, WELL, CYBER CHEATING ON ME. !!!

SHE DESIDES TO GET ON WITH HER STUFF AND TRY AND FORGET ABOUT HIM FOR A WHILE. NEXT TIME HE TEXTS, SHE WILL IGNORE HIM. SHE PROMISES HERSELF.

MORE DAYS GO BY AND STILL NO WORD FROM IAN.

SUDDENLY ON A QUIET SATURDAY MORNING, HER PHONE BEEPS.

SHE DOESN’T GO IMMEDIATELY TO PICK IT UP. SHE WAITS AND SHE WAITS. ANOTHER BEEP.  STILL SHE WAITS. SHE DOESN’T GO TO HER PHONE.

SUDDENLY ANOTHER BEEP AND ANOTHER. SOMEONE IS PERSISTANTLY SENDING HER TEXTS.

SHE GOES TO HER PHONE, AND YES, ITS IAN.

“WHY AREN’T YOU ANWERING YOUR PHONE ALICE? WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU IGNORING ME? PLEASE DON’T IGNORE ME ALICE.”

SHE GETS SUCKED IN. WHEN SHE READS THE LINE “PLEASE DON’T IGNORE ME ALICE,” HER HEART DOES A LITTLE FLUTTER, SINKS ALITTLE AND SIGHS. SOMEHOW, SHE FEELS SORRY FOR HIM.

“I AM NOT IGNORING YOU IAN. AND THAT’S NOT FAIR SINCE ITS TAKEN YOU A WEEK AND SOME TO REPLY TO MY MESSAGES. YOU DESERVE TO BE IGNORED ALITTLE. “

“YOURE RIGHT” IM SORRY. IF YOU NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME AGAIN, I’LL UNDERSTAND. I KNEW THAT YOU WOULDN’T WANT ME AT SOME POINT. I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.  YOURE PICTURES BY THE WAY, WOW BLEW MY MIND. I COULDN’T ASNWER YOU BEFORE AS I WAS WORKING. PLUS I HAD A DREAM OF YOU LAST NIGHT. IT WAS EROTIC.”

THE CHAT CONVERSATION BEGAN GETTING OUT OF HAND. HE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET HER TO FORGET THAT HE HAD DISAPPEARED FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK AND AGAIN SHE WAS ALL CONSUMED WITH THEIR CONVERSTAION, WANTING MORE AND MORE AND MORE OF IT.

THEIR CHAT WENT ON AND ON AND ON, GOT HEAVIER, AND HEAVIER, HOTTER AND HOTTER TILL 3 AM.

“WOW, SHE THOUGHT, I BETTER GET TO BED, I HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY TOMORROW. YEAH, I SHOULD STOP ALL THIS, SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF. BUT WAIT, THIS IS SO EXCITING, PLUS I DON’T KNOW WHEN I’ll GET TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN. ALITTLE MORE, FIVE MINUTES AND I’LL STOP. “

NO MATTER HOW SHE TRIED TO RATIONALIZE IT, OR TRY AND CONVINCE HER SELF TO STOP, SHE COULDN’T. THEY WOULD CHAT TILL EARLYMORNING HOURS, SENDING EACH OTHER PICTURES, PROMISING TO TALK TO EACH OTHER AGAIN SOON.

THE LONGER THE TEXTING SESSIONS GOT, THE LONGER IT WOULD TAKE FOR HIM TO GET BACK TO HER.

THIS WENT ON FOR TWO MONTHS OF ALICES LIFE. IN HER MIND, IT FELT LIKE MUCH LONGER. HER MIND WAS EXHAUSTED. SHE WOULD GO TO BED EXHAUSTED ONLY TO WAKE UP EXHAUSTED.

SHE STILL THOUGHT OF HIM EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY. THE TIME SHE WAITED FOR HIS TEXTS WAS THE WORST OF IT. SHE WOULD CRY, FEEL ASHAMED, ABANDONDED, THEN LIGHT UP LIKE A LIGHT BULB WHEN AN INCOMING TEXT WOULD BEEP ON HER SCREEN ONCE MORE.

SHE WOULD WAIT FOR HIS TEXTS LIKE THEY WERE A LIFE LINE.

SHE HAD EVEN MADE HIM A PROMISE THAT THEY WOULD MEET WHEN SHE VISITED HIM NEXT CHRISTMAS.

BY NOVEMBER OF THAT YEAR, SHE BEGAN TO REALISE THAT SHE WAS SO TIRED OF IT THAT SHE WANTED IT TO STOP.  THE NEED TO MAKE HER MIND STOP OBSESSING ABOUT IAN WAS GROWING STRONGER THAN THE NEED TO CONNECT TO HIM FOR A FEW HOURS A WEEK. IT WAS LIKE WHEN SHE TALKED TO IAN ONLINE SHE WOULD GET A FIX OF SOME KIND. THEN WHEN HE WOULD GO SHE WOULD GO INTO A PIT FALL OF DEPRESSION.

SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH HER MIND AND THE WAY SHE WAS RELATING TO THIS PERSON SHE MET ONLINE. SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, “WHY AM I HAVING SUCH AN INTENSE EMOTIONAL REACTION TO A PERSON I HAVENTEVEN MET FACE TO FACE? THIS CANT BE NORMAL. THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION WAS WHAT WAS PLAGUING HER MOST.

IT WASN’T NORMAL.

ALICE DID SOME RESEARCH FOR HERSELF. SHE FOUND SOME HELP IN THE FORM OF GROUP THERAPY. THERE SHE LEARNED THAT HER MIND WAS SICK AND THAT SHE WAS SUFFORING SOME FORM OF BEHAVIORAL ADDICTION. AN ADDICTION TO UNAVAILABLE MEN. SHE LEARNED THAT SHE HAD A PAST TRAUMA, A FEAR OF ABANDONMENT AND THAT SHE WAS PERPETUATING THAT FEAR AGAIN AND AGAIN BY GOING AFTER UNAVAILABLE MEN.

MOREOVER, ALICE WAS TAUGHT THAT SHE HAD LEARNED TO AVOID HER NEGATIVE FEELINGS BY REPLACING THEM WITH DISTRACTIONS. THESE DISTRACTIONS HAD BECOME ADDICTIONS FOR ALICE.

ALICE SUFFERS FROM AN ADDICTIVE MIND SET, WHICH WAS WHY SHE COULDN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IAN AND KEPT GOING BACK TO HIM EVEN THOUGH IT WAS CLEAR AS TO WHAT HE WAS AFTER.

FOR ALICE, THE TIME THEY SPENT SEXTING MEANT THAT SHE WAS DESIRABLE, AND THAT SHE WAS WANTED. SOMEONE WANTED HER AND THAT GAVE MEANING TO HER LIFE.

ALICE NEVER MET IAN IN PERSON, BUT ITS FOR THE BEST. THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE ALICE REALISED THAT HER BLESSINGS DIDN’T COME FROM A MANS BRIEF ATTENTION, BUT FROM FINDING A CONNECTION BACK TO HERSELF.

WHAT ALICE WAS LOOKING FOR ALL ALONG, WAS HERSELF.

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